Vote for Rita Smith, at least once! And LAUGH when you can

In 1994, I had been hired by several candidates to design and create their election materials. I was writing for Conservatives and Liberals, at the local and Metro levels. (This was when Toronto was made up of 6 smaller municipalities, which all worked together at the Metro Toronto level of government. It was a good system, and it was a mistake to change it.)

Early one morning – around 3am, as I recall – I was plowing through copy writing on my umpteenth political brochure when I realized, “No matter who I am writing for, no matter their political stripe, no matter their geographic location, all of these pieces say the same inane, vacuous, namby-pamby tripe. I could probably write one standard, non-commital, interchangeable brochure for ALL of the candidates, and nobody would notice.” 

Inspired by exhaustion and in a spirit of true silliness, I opened a new computer file and began typing as if by rote. I didn’t need to stop and think at all; the words just fell from my fingers on the keyboard as though I was re-keying text already written. It felt like I had written all of this stuff a thousand times before, because I had. 

I was wrong about the “nobody would notice” part though – it did get noticed, in various ways across the city. Local mayors found it absolutely hilarious, while East York’s Clerk threatened to have me charged with “Malicious Confusion.” 

Imagine my delight when I picked up the Toronto Sun in mid-campaign, and found the Sun had endorsed me for “Ward 5, East York” (a non-existent ward). “This Rita Smith really seems to have spirit, and a sense of humour,” the Sun noted, tongue firmly in cheek. The Sun was astute enough to realize there were only four wards in East York.

Alan Tonks, who was then Mayor of the City of York, couldn’t wait to point out to me that while I had written “East York is the Heart of Metro,” I had shaded his City of York on the map. 

“I know, Alan,” I sighed. “That was the JOKE.” 

Amazingly, in my 3 a.m. stupor, I was able to quickly locate existing photos with which to illustrate my new, all-purpose political brochure: I actually HAD a photo of me stuffing a ballot into a box, and I actually HAD a photo of me being “arrested” by police (at a charity event). I still marvel at that. 

My brochure was at the printers by 9 a.m. that very morning, which was a good thing because if I had thought about it for too long, I might have questioned my own judgement in paying money to print a frivolous brochure for nothing but fun. 

This panel above was a nod to John Papadakis, our most energetic East York councillor, who was forever taking up Council agenda time with issues which were completely outside the jurisdiction of the Borough of East York: a proposed resolution for the United Nations was one I recall as being particularly far-reaching. Local reporters would groan and roll their eyes when John started getting wound up, but I admired his ambition. 

“Of all the politicians I know, Rita Smith is the least dishonest,” was the quote most local people would recite for me when they told me how much they loved my brochure. 

The Toronto Sun made specific mention of the fact that I had been endorsed “by some guy named Don Valley.” 

To ensure no one would actually take my “all-purpose political brochure” seriously, I used a non-existent date (November 31) and a non-existent ward (Ward 5, East York – which had only four wards). 

I even went so far as to include the authorization line: “T
his parody has been authorized by the CFO.” 

Despite all of that, one day when I dropped into the East York Civic Centre, Clerk Bill Alexander accosted me in fury, waving one of my brochures in my face: “These things are all over the building!” he raged. “Right now, in the Council Chambers, I am running classes for seniors and new immigrants in the democratic voting process! How am I to explain THIS to THEM just as they are trying to understand the Canadian system???”

“Well, Bill,” I pointed out mischievously, “perhaps if they don’t know there are not 31 days in November, or five wards in East York, we shouldn’t let them vote.” 

“Don’t you be giving me any of that!” he thundered, turning red in the face. “If I see any more of these in this building, I will have you charged with Malicious Confusion!” 

I never did get charged with “Malicious Confusion,” but I recall fondly the fall of 1994 when I threw caution to the wind and spent time and money on a silly project for no reason other than to make people laugh – and they did.